DEEPLINKS: 64-bit caulking

The Macolytes have been unsettled lately, as their leader has called on them to trek onward into the Sinai Desert of x86 processing he decried for oh so many years. Much rending of garments and nashing of nails has followed -- "Woe betide the Photoshop filters! Where is my Altivec engine?" Yea, verily, I say unto thee -- all I give a darn about is the ability for my cherished machine to do this:

TRAVELS: Mr. Bean's Wonder Machine

Back in 1999, James Surowiecki wrote a column in Slate that was the best explainer of the airline business that I have seen to date. "It is the fact that the airline business is so capital-intensive that makes it such a sketchy business to be in, especially when on top of having to spend tons of money to operate you have to worry about oil prices, cyclical demand, and very little pricing power...In its entire history the airline industry has probably created zero economic value, which is to say that its return on invested capital has never equaled the cost of that capital."

Over the past few weeks I've flown about 7,000 miles, on business and leisure. I've been cossetted in extra-wide seats and offered warm cookies. I've been bumped due to airline incompetence and offered snuff by my seatmates. (It was Levi Garrett. Not my brand.) I've been to Jackson, Mississippi, for no reason whatsoever. So I consider myself an experienced traveler. And when I read this, I got that tingling sensation all of us get when we inherit a clear glimpse of our future. And lo, I was sore afraid.

DIY: Get Thee Behind Me

Here's my current script for people who've seen me looking a little more tired and desperate than usual:

Q: So, how's the house?

A: Well we're finally to the point where we don't have to apologize to people who come over. We've passed the entry course and have signed up for intermediate classes like Ceiling Fan Installation 101 and Intro To Garbage Disposals: Yes Honey, I Know The Kitchen Smells Like Day-Old Jambalaya.

Q: You're taking classes?

A: If by classes you mean reading Home Depot books and making stuff up as I go, yes.

Q: Sweat equity, huh?

A: No one ever told me exactly what that exchange ratio was between sweat and real capital. You're better off trading pesos.


After two fun months of home ownership, I've started to work out a few tips for those who think this all looks fun:

-- There is a special circle of Hell reserved for people who paint over wallpaper.

-- Don't think you can hide stupid home improvement mistakes from future generations.

-- In nearly every case, you have to make a problem worse before you can make it better.

-- There are few tools more useful than a wrecking bar.

-- You would think that a cat would be smart enough not to hop into a paint pan full of Sunshower yellow interior eggshell latex. You would be mistaken.

-- Behind the camera of every HGTV/Discovery/Extreme Makeover show is a small platoon of people who do the actual work or correct what's going on.

OK, now for the unveiling. First, the before....

It's hard to see from this photo the exact shade of pink that covered the chair rail in the dining room. I believe it was called Expired Pepto Bismol.

And now the after:

Hail and huzzah, strike up the fight song Fanny! Three rooms down! Just a kitchen redo, two bathrooms and a basement to go. Oh yeah, and a room for the Wee Lance. And the office.

SLAMMER: The More You Know...

Celebrities. They're more than just people who've stumbled into fame and fortune. They're our surrogate family members, always on call to give us advice for all life's tough moments, everything from corraling your runaway Texas hold'em addicition to improving your digestive systems.

So I thought it was high time for me to give back, before yet another cherished member of our extended celebrity family is forced to sit for an unflattering impromptu pencil-and-chalk courthouse portrait complete with fuschia waves of energy. The next time, say, some native Australian wants to make sure Bill's breakfast bistro in Sydney will keep a ricotta pancake platter warm for when he or she returns, here's the best procedure:

1. For international calls, it's best to use a calling card or credit card. Hotel long distance rates can be fiendishly expensive, even when you make $10 million a film.
2. Dial 8 or 9 for an outside line, then use the 1-800 number for your calling card service. When the automatronic lady asks for the number your calling, dial 01 + the country code (in this case 61) + the number (02 9360 9631).
3. Punch in your calling card or credit card number, and chatter away. If you do get Bill himself on the line, ask him why none of his recipies ever seem to work in the United States. If he blames operator error, chuck the phone into the nearest non-human target.

404: Sorry about the delay

That's the thing about blogging. If you don't do it regularly there's really not much point. Here's the best explanation of how I've spent my time over the past two months.